jul1et

Our new system does everything short of handcuffing intruders and taking them to jail. I'm terrified of it, in case I forget to click something or turn something on/off and suddenly find myself in a cloud of impenetrable smoke surrounded by screaming sirens. Overkill perhaps, but I'm definitely going to feel safer when R is away from home.

This is a fat bunny neighbourhood, lots of good cars and tidy lawns, the sort of place a professional thief would find interesting. Across and beside us are folk with dogs, so it's time to join them in looking like too much trouble. Nothing will keep a burglar out if they mean it, but most want an easy mark, so...

Now I'm getting endless notifications of people and cars passing by, the angle of the house front makes this difficult to avoid. I guess it's the point.

A big troublesome chunk of paperwork sorted out, now I have time to help friend's daughter. If only I didn't feel so bleary! How strange this Autumn is. It took ages to really get going and now it's dark, like Winter is right on the doorstep. I shouldn't wish October away, the leaves are very beautiful this year, but I have magically turned into a dormouse, doing little beyond drinking tea and sleeping.

Once it arrives, it brings its friends.

Yesterday was not as easy as the day before, bad thoughts occluded her expressions, she was quick to take offence at passing waiters and old memories; but she saw family again and continued to eat well; the magic of tapas! A small pork steak, a delicious big sugary cream cake, jamon, cheese, crisps ,many olives. Not as much vegetable or fruit as I would like but better than her usual daily diet. I am so glad I was never a mother, I couldn’t worry like this for years and years.

Autumn arrived properly in the old barrio, with a thunderstorm erupting right overhead, and raindrops big as thumbnails turning the roads to streams. Fam sat in the cafe talking and laughing, when Bro phoned with a strange new drama of his own.

Bro’s dear friend , call him F, is very ill with Parkinson’s. Bro held power of attorney for him for a while, but as Bro’s first move was to try and get F into sheltered accommodation including a bed with a mattress less infused with organic apocalypse, they quarrelled fast, and Bro had something like two heart incidents out of what he is convinced was sheer frustration. So F changed the power of attorney to his sister, and the old friendship was fine. Cue yesterday, when a care worker found F seemingly dead in his flat, spoke to the neighbour who phoned Bro, Bro raced across to the flat, phoning the sister to tell her. The sister told him not to go, that it was ‘against the family’s wishes,’ and Bro replied bluntly that he was going in. Her son appeared and threatened Bro, Bro wouldn’t have it and entered the flat cos the doors were open. There was F perfectly alive! Relief all round! Only F has asked Bro to get help agencies involved plus the police. So that’s what he did. The sister threatened to report Bro to the police for home invasion, and they appear to have had some kind of text contretemps. Silly really. If Bro thinks the sister and her son are doing something untoward, the last thing he should do is telegraph it. But he was very angry and thinks some foul play had occurred.

Two things for me; how did the care worker misdiagnose a death and why was her first recourse to talk to a neighbour? Surely there is a process for this?

Bro mentioned all this to Mum which I don’t think was wise at all, but angry people are seldom smart. I will tell her everything is fine, and get her to eat more before I catch the plane. Later I will sleep for a long while without a single incident more dramatic than a cat jumping on me for cuddles.

We’re easily hovering around -15.

I ‘knew ‘ by which I mean I thought it would be hard, but turns out I was somewhat sanguine. Her quality of life is abysmal, her illness unchecked and therefore her terrors rampant, the morning a disaster. She threw me out telling me I was a liar working for ‘the people persecuting’ her.

Bro has been shocked but supportive.

A surreal moment; I opened her carry case to see if I could find documents. She carries this around all the time, supposedly it has dad’s head in it.* Turns out she has been carrying my brother’s old Doctor Who and Marvel comics everywhere . She said this was recent, because people had come in and stolen some of his valuable comics . No one has ‘come in’. Bro says there’s a back story to that, and recounted how, back in the last century, he had a mint condition Dr Who first issue comic, and she gave it to one of our cousins to colour in. Bro hit the roof at the time. She never understood why but somehow got it into her head that these things need protecting. So she takes them everywhere, crumpled and half destroyed in her carry case.

I want to go visit Aunty’s grave up at the cemetery, impossible with mum as she fears death so much , but it is 30 minutes walk in the heat and I am sat at a bar waiting for food. Maybe I will go today, maybe I will find Sephora and buy some new make up. Nearby musicians have summoned ‘Volare’ presumably to terrify us all into generosity. I’ll give them some change cos why not? The sun is shining after all.

This is a horrible trip and was always going to be.I just never get the degrees right.

*Fam joke there

Welp, I don't know what I am doing with Substack. All I wanted to do was post the poem for Dad somewhere, and suddenly I'm in a world of buttons. Is it a newsletter, is it just posting, have I created two separate pages? Plus I am suddenly pursued by frankly implausible amounts of paperwork, mostly in Spanish on a very hard deadline. My Spanish is minimal, a testament to the fact that over 900 days on Duolingo amounts to very little if it's only one lesson a day.

I am very stressed and tired, but the good news is, if I get even more tired, I won't have enough energy to fret about my visit to Spain next week. Mum has started sending me messages again, but I am going to try not to answer because there is no room in my head for her babble about new disease X and why I should stay at home.

So I must think about other things this weekend. Great night with mates yesterday while Storm Amy raged outside, lots of laughter. Diet ruined.